Things 2012 Taught Me

I have been through a lot. More than some, less than others. I have realized that life does not always isn't what we map out in our minds, but you learn to go with it, or fight trying to save "what should have been." So, 2012, thank you for all you have taught me about life, liberty, and the persuit of happiness. Firstly, you taught me that sometimes, things start off bad. But they get better. 2012 started off jobless, moneyless, and sunshineless. I've seen people come and go from my department, good and bad. But after being here about a year, I can say they I am so grateful for all of the opportunities that have been afforded to me. 2012 taught me about the value of hard work. When I started my job, I hated it. Honestly and truly. But everyday, I put on a brave face and made it to work. I quickly learned to love my job, and some of the people I have had the pleasure of working with. I have made friends I'm the process, come across many interesting people, with stories of their own, and learned a lot about the world; this small world called Gwinnett county.
2012 also taught me about freedom. Freedom from the past, things I had yet to forgive myself for, and the ability to let it all go. Time does heal.
I also learned about love and friendships. The good kind. The ones who share your sadness, so that you might share their happiness, friends who buy you a cup of coffee because they know you're having a terrible day. Friends who, despite time and distance, will be there for you on the worst days, and the best days. I learned to distance myself from toxic relationships, even when you still think they might have a place in your life. [they don't.] 2012 has taught me about love. And insurmountable, inexplicable, genuine love, for someone I have yet to meet. I can't wait to meet the little bean!!
But most importantly, 2012 taught me a lot about myself, the person I should love before loving someone else. I've had a difficult relationship with myself. I've hated myself, for what I did, didn't do, was, or wasn't. I hated myself for all the things I didn't have the "courage" to do. But in these last 366 days we called 2012, I have learned they the most courageous thing i could have ever done was to be still, and wait on God's time. I have learned to value myself, my time, my thoughts and my emotions.
So, 2012, thank you for everything. Thank you for opening the door for 2013 to be an amazing year, a year of new beginnings. Peace, love, and rock&roll.

In bed awake.

It's 4:28, and here I am. In bed. Awake. Only this time, it's different than all the other times. This time, I'm not wracking my brain trying to figure my life out. This time, I'm not torn to pieces wondering where I went wrong. This time, I'm awake, and I feel happy. This time, I'm awake, and I know it's the good butterflies-in-my-tummy-because-I-still-cant-get-over-it, awake. And I like it. This time, it's December, and I'm looking forward to the rest of this winter. This time it's December and I'm ready for what's to come. This time it's December and I like my life. This time it's different. It's 4:32, and I'm awake. Only this time, I don't cry. This time, I smile uncontrollably. "...[sometimes] you can't fall asleep because the reality is better than your dreams."

Chivalry Should Die.

Yeah, I said it! And I'll say it again! Chivalry should die!!

Let me clarify. I am a modern traditionalist. Sounds confusing, but it's not. Basically, I think women should be equal to men, but I don't mind fulfilling the traditional role of "woman." For example, I shouldn't be expected to cook, simply because I am a female. But I do it. I enjoy cooking from time to time, and if I didn't, who cares?! As my life evolves, and I see myself getting closer and closer to this idea of having to work the second shift, I can see myself fulfilling said roles and ideals, but I believe marriages, yes, i did just use the "m" word, should be equal partnerships. I don't mind cooking and cleaning, but don't expect me to do it, just like I wouldn't expect you do cut the grass, or fix the car. Whether you can, or can't, doesn't add to your value as a human being.

Much in a similar manner, I don't expect a guy to hold a door open for me, because I'm a girl, do it because you want to! I hold doors open for old people, kids, women, guys... anyone! So do the same. Not because you're EXPECTED to do it, because I definitely don't. Guys, if you're out on dates, do nice things for a girl because you want to... because it's a kind gesture. And if you DON'T feel like it, just come to terms with the fact that you're probably a douche that doesn't like to do nice things for people, but I'm sure someone will love you. Even if it's just your mom.

Be nice to people. Not women, or men, or Latinos, or white people, or Asian people... just be nice to people, and in return, the world will be nice to you.


Pretty interesting article about "THE SECOND SHIFT" from the NY Times, if you happen to be reading this, and have no idea what that means. Or if you just want to read more about it. But I highly doubt anyone is reading this.

Today has been a long day.

I really thought this would be easier. I thought my life would start to come together, I. The direction I always believed it would go. But just as I was settling into that idea... It stops. And I'm tired. I'm very exhausted. I'm worn out, defeated even.

I so wish to wake up tomorrow to the life I dreamed of. The life I believed I was getting. But all of this is wrong. I feel so trapped.

I'm angry. At so many people. Including God. And what I believe tells me that it's wrong. And I know it in my heart, but I cannot stop myself from feeling this way. I feel the anger burning inside of me. Boiling in my stomach, burning in my throat like chronic heartburn. I taste it in my mouth. I'm so angry. At myself. At my choices. At my life.

Today I feel angry. And i imagine I'll feel angry tomorrow, too.

A farewell to 2011.

Dear 2011,
Thank you for being a part of my life. You have changed me in so many ways, I cannot even begin to describe. You have taught me to love and laugh, and you have taught me to forget and how hard it is to lose a friend. So I thank you. We have been through so much together, but I look forward to the future. This year has been difficult, from now on I chose to no longer dwell in the past, what could have beens, what ifs, and wondering my life away.

Things that are meant to be will be, and I no longer wish to fight them, or fight for them. I am closing this chapter in my life, never to look back. Not even for the memories. I have learned so very much about myself, and what really matters in life.

Thank you to all the people that have actually stood by me, and those who haven't, for you have taught me the value of those who have.

Thank you to all the people who have been true friends, and to the friends that are more like family than anything else.

Yes, 2011, you were a challange, but I have come out on the other side, a stronger, braver person, and I know I am better for it.

I have learned to laugh and love with others, but mostly myself. I'm ready for 2012 and all of the wonderful things that come with it.

<3

One time, I almost got married.

This is actually an old post.
I've been taking a look at the last three or four years of my life, mulling it all over, trying to figure out where I went wrong, but I guess it doesn't really matter at this point. Sometimes, you gotta put the past behind you.

So I take one last look.

i was driving down the 85. on the overpass to the pleasanthill exit. i was speeding, im sure. going 80, 85 maybe? i could hear myself starting to be scared. i felt my heartbeat in my ears, the beads of sweat starting to build on my forehead. and then everything went in slow motion for a second, my life didn't flash before my eyes, i was strangely aware of everything, there were five skinny trees to my left, i could hear a scarecrow cawing, there were no cars behind me, the wall was too close to me... and then everything was in fast forward one wall, the next wall, then the next...each scrape on the side of my car to match the ones in my heart.

the tire was starting to pull away from the car, like my life slipping away from my hands. my heart pounding louder than i've ever felt it, like i had just been running the last three months of my life, and finally stopped. like my world was crashing. along with my car.

for a split second i saw the wall. not more than three feet tall. surprising actually. the car could have flipped over. the car could have gone over the edge. all the edges and boundaries had been pushed, why not this one? and why not this one too? what did it mean to be standing here, next to the car? the scraped, bruised car... its exterior matching my interior.

This is what I look like. this is what i was. broken, scraped parts, a torn off tire, smashed mirror, unusable parts... all laid out before me, pushed to the edge, but not thrown over.

it doesn't work that way.

him:I still want to know how you are
It hurts me to hurt you.
But I think I'm not ok
& i don't want to tell you one thing or another

me: it hurts me that you lied to me

him: i'm still sad about him.
and i feel bad when i'm with her.

me: Maybe you should talk to her about that.
you can't pick and chose what part of me you want.
it doesn't work like that.

him: I want to feel normal again.
I want to feel like i don't owe anybody anything.
n when im normal again, i can be ok.

me: that's something you have to figure out on your own.

him: i know, and that's why i want you to live your life. without my drama.
i'm so messed up right now.

me: have i ever cared about that? Nope. Because i was gonna be with you. in the good and the bad.

him: I don't want you to be sad.

me: I wish you the best. Really.
I am no longer your concern.

him: i feel bad because im lying to you.
But you are, my concern, you helped me through a lot.
I want all this to be over and be normal again.
I feel like a zombie.

me: It's fine, you don't have to worry about me.

him: i'm just doing things because i'm supposed to.

me: you were always gonna do whatever it took.
I get that now.

him: let's just take some time to be stable again.
N then we can talk about anything. not now.

me: don't worry about me.

him: i do.

me: this is it. i'm disappearing from your life.
this is what's best for you.

him: i'm still gonna talk to you. when i become stable. ok
only if it's once ok?
just let me be stable ok?
ok?
we will talk again. take care and talk to you soon.

me: no. you don't get to break my heart again.
Forget about me like you already started doing.
No more drama. No more craziness.
No more obsession.

him: Take care.

i wish you finally understood.
I thought i understood, but clearly i didn't but i do now.

you want to be normal again? what the hell does that even mean? i mean, don't we all? Don't we all yearn for something, someone, somewhere that has been lost?? But that doesnt mean you can just hide away from people.
Especially people that you love. well, maybe you don't but people that love you. How did you just stop? why? and why can't i? why couldn't you just tell me that's how you felt if you really felt that. or didn't feel anything? What i found the most attractive about you was your honesty. no one ever understood that. but I would be willing to bet my life that you would always be honest with me. and you promised me you would. but you didn't. you weren't. it was like finding out that santa claus is fake, the princesses never got their prince charming, that love doesn;t conquer all.

maybe it doesn't. Do I believe in love? of course I do.
I see it. i've seen it. i've felt it. but it wasn't so kind to me.

I'm so angry and quite frankly, i don't know if i'm mad at you or myself. maybe the circumstances, but we are in charge of those, so who can say.

you for pretending. me for hoping. being silly. losing time. i wish i could do it all over again. i would do a lot of things differntly. There are some mistakes i would make again, but others i would cut out. but i would have rewritten our story so that it ends, the right way. not like this. this is a cop out. if i was reading this story, i would say you cheated. the author cheated. nothing makes sense.

but i guess that's life.
you can't chose what parts of me you want.
it doesn't work that way.