A farewell to 2011.

Dear 2011,
Thank you for being a part of my life. You have changed me in so many ways, I cannot even begin to describe. You have taught me to love and laugh, and you have taught me to forget and how hard it is to lose a friend. So I thank you. We have been through so much together, but I look forward to the future. This year has been difficult, from now on I chose to no longer dwell in the past, what could have beens, what ifs, and wondering my life away.

Things that are meant to be will be, and I no longer wish to fight them, or fight for them. I am closing this chapter in my life, never to look back. Not even for the memories. I have learned so very much about myself, and what really matters in life.

Thank you to all the people that have actually stood by me, and those who haven't, for you have taught me the value of those who have.

Thank you to all the people who have been true friends, and to the friends that are more like family than anything else.

Yes, 2011, you were a challange, but I have come out on the other side, a stronger, braver person, and I know I am better for it.

I have learned to laugh and love with others, but mostly myself. I'm ready for 2012 and all of the wonderful things that come with it.

<3

One time, I almost got married.

This is actually an old post.
I've been taking a look at the last three or four years of my life, mulling it all over, trying to figure out where I went wrong, but I guess it doesn't really matter at this point. Sometimes, you gotta put the past behind you.

So I take one last look.

i was driving down the 85. on the overpass to the pleasanthill exit. i was speeding, im sure. going 80, 85 maybe? i could hear myself starting to be scared. i felt my heartbeat in my ears, the beads of sweat starting to build on my forehead. and then everything went in slow motion for a second, my life didn't flash before my eyes, i was strangely aware of everything, there were five skinny trees to my left, i could hear a scarecrow cawing, there were no cars behind me, the wall was too close to me... and then everything was in fast forward one wall, the next wall, then the next...each scrape on the side of my car to match the ones in my heart.

the tire was starting to pull away from the car, like my life slipping away from my hands. my heart pounding louder than i've ever felt it, like i had just been running the last three months of my life, and finally stopped. like my world was crashing. along with my car.

for a split second i saw the wall. not more than three feet tall. surprising actually. the car could have flipped over. the car could have gone over the edge. all the edges and boundaries had been pushed, why not this one? and why not this one too? what did it mean to be standing here, next to the car? the scraped, bruised car... its exterior matching my interior.

This is what I look like. this is what i was. broken, scraped parts, a torn off tire, smashed mirror, unusable parts... all laid out before me, pushed to the edge, but not thrown over.

it doesn't work that way.

him:I still want to know how you are
It hurts me to hurt you.
But I think I'm not ok
& i don't want to tell you one thing or another

me: it hurts me that you lied to me

him: i'm still sad about him.
and i feel bad when i'm with her.

me: Maybe you should talk to her about that.
you can't pick and chose what part of me you want.
it doesn't work like that.

him: I want to feel normal again.
I want to feel like i don't owe anybody anything.
n when im normal again, i can be ok.

me: that's something you have to figure out on your own.

him: i know, and that's why i want you to live your life. without my drama.
i'm so messed up right now.

me: have i ever cared about that? Nope. Because i was gonna be with you. in the good and the bad.

him: I don't want you to be sad.

me: I wish you the best. Really.
I am no longer your concern.

him: i feel bad because im lying to you.
But you are, my concern, you helped me through a lot.
I want all this to be over and be normal again.
I feel like a zombie.

me: It's fine, you don't have to worry about me.

him: i'm just doing things because i'm supposed to.

me: you were always gonna do whatever it took.
I get that now.

him: let's just take some time to be stable again.
N then we can talk about anything. not now.

me: don't worry about me.

him: i do.

me: this is it. i'm disappearing from your life.
this is what's best for you.

him: i'm still gonna talk to you. when i become stable. ok
only if it's once ok?
just let me be stable ok?
ok?
we will talk again. take care and talk to you soon.

me: no. you don't get to break my heart again.
Forget about me like you already started doing.
No more drama. No more craziness.
No more obsession.

him: Take care.

i wish you finally understood.
I thought i understood, but clearly i didn't but i do now.

you want to be normal again? what the hell does that even mean? i mean, don't we all? Don't we all yearn for something, someone, somewhere that has been lost?? But that doesnt mean you can just hide away from people.
Especially people that you love. well, maybe you don't but people that love you. How did you just stop? why? and why can't i? why couldn't you just tell me that's how you felt if you really felt that. or didn't feel anything? What i found the most attractive about you was your honesty. no one ever understood that. but I would be willing to bet my life that you would always be honest with me. and you promised me you would. but you didn't. you weren't. it was like finding out that santa claus is fake, the princesses never got their prince charming, that love doesn;t conquer all.

maybe it doesn't. Do I believe in love? of course I do.
I see it. i've seen it. i've felt it. but it wasn't so kind to me.

I'm so angry and quite frankly, i don't know if i'm mad at you or myself. maybe the circumstances, but we are in charge of those, so who can say.

you for pretending. me for hoping. being silly. losing time. i wish i could do it all over again. i would do a lot of things differntly. There are some mistakes i would make again, but others i would cut out. but i would have rewritten our story so that it ends, the right way. not like this. this is a cop out. if i was reading this story, i would say you cheated. the author cheated. nothing makes sense.

but i guess that's life.
you can't chose what parts of me you want.
it doesn't work that way.