One time, I almost got married.

This is actually an old post.
I've been taking a look at the last three or four years of my life, mulling it all over, trying to figure out where I went wrong, but I guess it doesn't really matter at this point. Sometimes, you gotta put the past behind you.

So I take one last look.

i was driving down the 85. on the overpass to the pleasanthill exit. i was speeding, im sure. going 80, 85 maybe? i could hear myself starting to be scared. i felt my heartbeat in my ears, the beads of sweat starting to build on my forehead. and then everything went in slow motion for a second, my life didn't flash before my eyes, i was strangely aware of everything, there were five skinny trees to my left, i could hear a scarecrow cawing, there were no cars behind me, the wall was too close to me... and then everything was in fast forward one wall, the next wall, then the next...each scrape on the side of my car to match the ones in my heart.

the tire was starting to pull away from the car, like my life slipping away from my hands. my heart pounding louder than i've ever felt it, like i had just been running the last three months of my life, and finally stopped. like my world was crashing. along with my car.

for a split second i saw the wall. not more than three feet tall. surprising actually. the car could have flipped over. the car could have gone over the edge. all the edges and boundaries had been pushed, why not this one? and why not this one too? what did it mean to be standing here, next to the car? the scraped, bruised car... its exterior matching my interior.

This is what I look like. this is what i was. broken, scraped parts, a torn off tire, smashed mirror, unusable parts... all laid out before me, pushed to the edge, but not thrown over.