Three years ago …

Three years ago on a night, much like tonight, we lost one of the strongest, bravest, most inspiring people I have ever known. It seems like it was all a foggy nightmare, a strange occurrence, happening in another time and place.

But it was very much reality. A moment which you try to forget, but cannot. A moment in which you wish you could stop time, and make sense of it. My grandmother always said that some people are too special to be on this earth for too long; too special to be away from God. We wish we could keep them with us forever, knowing that they'll be there to listen when we need to vent, wipe our tears when we need to cry, and lift our spirits when they are dampened.

Mommy Rufo, you will forever live in our memories & our hearts. Thank you for teaching me just how strong I can be. Thank you for showing me what strength & bravery means. I'm sorry to have lost you, but am thankful for every moment spent with you. Thank you, most of all, for raising the wonderful woman I have the privilege of calling my best friend.

Tonight, I dedicate this small & insignificant post to two very special women on my life; Zara & Nina Rufo. I cannot express what you two mean to me. I am blessed to have crossed your path, and I know that you will forever be watching over us. To my dearest Nina, thank you for letting me come along this strange journey with you. Know that your sorrows are mine, as your happines.

RIP Zara. You are gone, but not forgotten.

i have a new room

I have a new room.
it's acutally not so new, but new to me.

I like the newness of it. it keeps my hands and my mind occupied.
it gives me something to think about during the day, something to pass the time.
should i put the cuadro en la mesita? maybe all along the wall... string a few lights, paint this and that... it helps me think something is happening in my life. helps me forget that which should be forgotten. there i float. i wish i would sink. maybe then something would be happening.

i like to have something to think about. it keeps me from thinking about the important things. things that matter. that once mattered, and have now been pushed away. it stops me from thinking about how i got to where i am. and mostly it stops me from wondering where the real me went. the me with fire. drive. ambition. lust for life. i wonder where she went. i yearn for her return, knowing she may never. i mourn her loss and her death, every day. every day i live on, she dies more.

i tell myself it's not too late, though i fear it is. sometimes i see rays of her, slivers, moments, shreads. in those moments, i have hope. then she gets hurt, and hides again.

i'm keeping myself afloat. treading water, and sometimes i want to let go. treading water to tread.

i have a new room, and that keeps my hands busy.

to blog with anger.

I wish I could sit here and write something clever. I wish I could make a crack about something. But i can't. Partially, because i'm not that clever. but mostly because I'm not that mean. And it is perhaps this same... shall we say... "trait" that I often times find myself in these situations. Situations where despite everything I find myself at odds..with myself. I am by nature a prideful person, but somehow, in certain situations, when it's of no benefit to me, put my pride away, and end up hurt. Yes, it's true, my ailments are of my own choosing, and I should be used to it by now. But it doesn't really mean it get easier.

If you were here, I would tell you that I think you're mean. And that you hurt me. But maybe now I'll learn my lesson.
If you were here, I would call you a jerk, and tell you you don't deserve me. That I'm glad we're doing this face to face. Because I want you to see how angry I am. I would tell you that I hope you find someone that's going to treat you like I did!

If you were here.
If I really felt that way.

So I sit here, and blog angrily