it doesn't work that way.

him:I still want to know how you are
It hurts me to hurt you.
But I think I'm not ok
& i don't want to tell you one thing or another

me: it hurts me that you lied to me

him: i'm still sad about him.
and i feel bad when i'm with her.

me: Maybe you should talk to her about that.
you can't pick and chose what part of me you want.
it doesn't work like that.

him: I want to feel normal again.
I want to feel like i don't owe anybody anything.
n when im normal again, i can be ok.

me: that's something you have to figure out on your own.

him: i know, and that's why i want you to live your life. without my drama.
i'm so messed up right now.

me: have i ever cared about that? Nope. Because i was gonna be with you. in the good and the bad.

him: I don't want you to be sad.

me: I wish you the best. Really.
I am no longer your concern.

him: i feel bad because im lying to you.
But you are, my concern, you helped me through a lot.
I want all this to be over and be normal again.
I feel like a zombie.

me: It's fine, you don't have to worry about me.

him: i'm just doing things because i'm supposed to.

me: you were always gonna do whatever it took.
I get that now.

him: let's just take some time to be stable again.
N then we can talk about anything. not now.

me: don't worry about me.

him: i do.

me: this is it. i'm disappearing from your life.
this is what's best for you.

him: i'm still gonna talk to you. when i become stable. ok
only if it's once ok?
just let me be stable ok?
ok?
we will talk again. take care and talk to you soon.

me: no. you don't get to break my heart again.
Forget about me like you already started doing.
No more drama. No more craziness.
No more obsession.

him: Take care.

i wish you finally understood.
I thought i understood, but clearly i didn't but i do now.

you want to be normal again? what the hell does that even mean? i mean, don't we all? Don't we all yearn for something, someone, somewhere that has been lost?? But that doesnt mean you can just hide away from people.
Especially people that you love. well, maybe you don't but people that love you. How did you just stop? why? and why can't i? why couldn't you just tell me that's how you felt if you really felt that. or didn't feel anything? What i found the most attractive about you was your honesty. no one ever understood that. but I would be willing to bet my life that you would always be honest with me. and you promised me you would. but you didn't. you weren't. it was like finding out that santa claus is fake, the princesses never got their prince charming, that love doesn;t conquer all.

maybe it doesn't. Do I believe in love? of course I do.
I see it. i've seen it. i've felt it. but it wasn't so kind to me.

I'm so angry and quite frankly, i don't know if i'm mad at you or myself. maybe the circumstances, but we are in charge of those, so who can say.

you for pretending. me for hoping. being silly. losing time. i wish i could do it all over again. i would do a lot of things differntly. There are some mistakes i would make again, but others i would cut out. but i would have rewritten our story so that it ends, the right way. not like this. this is a cop out. if i was reading this story, i would say you cheated. the author cheated. nothing makes sense.

but i guess that's life.
you can't chose what parts of me you want.
it doesn't work that way.