In bed awake.

It's 4:28, and here I am. In bed. Awake. Only this time, it's different than all the other times. This time, I'm not wracking my brain trying to figure my life out. This time, I'm not torn to pieces wondering where I went wrong. This time, I'm awake, and I feel happy. This time, I'm awake, and I know it's the good butterflies-in-my-tummy-because-I-still-cant-get-over-it, awake. And I like it. This time, it's December, and I'm looking forward to the rest of this winter. This time it's December and I'm ready for what's to come. This time it's December and I like my life. This time it's different. It's 4:32, and I'm awake. Only this time, I don't cry. This time, I smile uncontrollably. "...[sometimes] you can't fall asleep because the reality is better than your dreams."

Chivalry Should Die.

Yeah, I said it! And I'll say it again! Chivalry should die!!

Let me clarify. I am a modern traditionalist. Sounds confusing, but it's not. Basically, I think women should be equal to men, but I don't mind fulfilling the traditional role of "woman." For example, I shouldn't be expected to cook, simply because I am a female. But I do it. I enjoy cooking from time to time, and if I didn't, who cares?! As my life evolves, and I see myself getting closer and closer to this idea of having to work the second shift, I can see myself fulfilling said roles and ideals, but I believe marriages, yes, i did just use the "m" word, should be equal partnerships. I don't mind cooking and cleaning, but don't expect me to do it, just like I wouldn't expect you do cut the grass, or fix the car. Whether you can, or can't, doesn't add to your value as a human being.

Much in a similar manner, I don't expect a guy to hold a door open for me, because I'm a girl, do it because you want to! I hold doors open for old people, kids, women, guys... anyone! So do the same. Not because you're EXPECTED to do it, because I definitely don't. Guys, if you're out on dates, do nice things for a girl because you want to... because it's a kind gesture. And if you DON'T feel like it, just come to terms with the fact that you're probably a douche that doesn't like to do nice things for people, but I'm sure someone will love you. Even if it's just your mom.

Be nice to people. Not women, or men, or Latinos, or white people, or Asian people... just be nice to people, and in return, the world will be nice to you.


Pretty interesting article about "THE SECOND SHIFT" from the NY Times, if you happen to be reading this, and have no idea what that means. Or if you just want to read more about it. But I highly doubt anyone is reading this.

Today has been a long day.

I really thought this would be easier. I thought my life would start to come together, I. The direction I always believed it would go. But just as I was settling into that idea... It stops. And I'm tired. I'm very exhausted. I'm worn out, defeated even.

I so wish to wake up tomorrow to the life I dreamed of. The life I believed I was getting. But all of this is wrong. I feel so trapped.

I'm angry. At so many people. Including God. And what I believe tells me that it's wrong. And I know it in my heart, but I cannot stop myself from feeling this way. I feel the anger burning inside of me. Boiling in my stomach, burning in my throat like chronic heartburn. I taste it in my mouth. I'm so angry. At myself. At my choices. At my life.

Today I feel angry. And i imagine I'll feel angry tomorrow, too.