A farewell to 2011.

Dear 2011,
Thank you for being a part of my life. You have changed me in so many ways, I cannot even begin to describe. You have taught me to love and laugh, and you have taught me to forget and how hard it is to lose a friend. So I thank you. We have been through so much together, but I look forward to the future. This year has been difficult, from now on I chose to no longer dwell in the past, what could have beens, what ifs, and wondering my life away.

Things that are meant to be will be, and I no longer wish to fight them, or fight for them. I am closing this chapter in my life, never to look back. Not even for the memories. I have learned so very much about myself, and what really matters in life.

Thank you to all the people that have actually stood by me, and those who haven't, for you have taught me the value of those who have.

Thank you to all the people who have been true friends, and to the friends that are more like family than anything else.

Yes, 2011, you were a challange, but I have come out on the other side, a stronger, braver person, and I know I am better for it.

I have learned to laugh and love with others, but mostly myself. I'm ready for 2012 and all of the wonderful things that come with it.

<3

One time, I almost got married.

This is actually an old post.
I've been taking a look at the last three or four years of my life, mulling it all over, trying to figure out where I went wrong, but I guess it doesn't really matter at this point. Sometimes, you gotta put the past behind you.

So I take one last look.

i was driving down the 85. on the overpass to the pleasanthill exit. i was speeding, im sure. going 80, 85 maybe? i could hear myself starting to be scared. i felt my heartbeat in my ears, the beads of sweat starting to build on my forehead. and then everything went in slow motion for a second, my life didn't flash before my eyes, i was strangely aware of everything, there were five skinny trees to my left, i could hear a scarecrow cawing, there were no cars behind me, the wall was too close to me... and then everything was in fast forward one wall, the next wall, then the next...each scrape on the side of my car to match the ones in my heart.

the tire was starting to pull away from the car, like my life slipping away from my hands. my heart pounding louder than i've ever felt it, like i had just been running the last three months of my life, and finally stopped. like my world was crashing. along with my car.

for a split second i saw the wall. not more than three feet tall. surprising actually. the car could have flipped over. the car could have gone over the edge. all the edges and boundaries had been pushed, why not this one? and why not this one too? what did it mean to be standing here, next to the car? the scraped, bruised car... its exterior matching my interior.

This is what I look like. this is what i was. broken, scraped parts, a torn off tire, smashed mirror, unusable parts... all laid out before me, pushed to the edge, but not thrown over.

it doesn't work that way.

him:I still want to know how you are
It hurts me to hurt you.
But I think I'm not ok
& i don't want to tell you one thing or another

me: it hurts me that you lied to me

him: i'm still sad about him.
and i feel bad when i'm with her.

me: Maybe you should talk to her about that.
you can't pick and chose what part of me you want.
it doesn't work like that.

him: I want to feel normal again.
I want to feel like i don't owe anybody anything.
n when im normal again, i can be ok.

me: that's something you have to figure out on your own.

him: i know, and that's why i want you to live your life. without my drama.
i'm so messed up right now.

me: have i ever cared about that? Nope. Because i was gonna be with you. in the good and the bad.

him: I don't want you to be sad.

me: I wish you the best. Really.
I am no longer your concern.

him: i feel bad because im lying to you.
But you are, my concern, you helped me through a lot.
I want all this to be over and be normal again.
I feel like a zombie.

me: It's fine, you don't have to worry about me.

him: i'm just doing things because i'm supposed to.

me: you were always gonna do whatever it took.
I get that now.

him: let's just take some time to be stable again.
N then we can talk about anything. not now.

me: don't worry about me.

him: i do.

me: this is it. i'm disappearing from your life.
this is what's best for you.

him: i'm still gonna talk to you. when i become stable. ok
only if it's once ok?
just let me be stable ok?
ok?
we will talk again. take care and talk to you soon.

me: no. you don't get to break my heart again.
Forget about me like you already started doing.
No more drama. No more craziness.
No more obsession.

him: Take care.

i wish you finally understood.
I thought i understood, but clearly i didn't but i do now.

you want to be normal again? what the hell does that even mean? i mean, don't we all? Don't we all yearn for something, someone, somewhere that has been lost?? But that doesnt mean you can just hide away from people.
Especially people that you love. well, maybe you don't but people that love you. How did you just stop? why? and why can't i? why couldn't you just tell me that's how you felt if you really felt that. or didn't feel anything? What i found the most attractive about you was your honesty. no one ever understood that. but I would be willing to bet my life that you would always be honest with me. and you promised me you would. but you didn't. you weren't. it was like finding out that santa claus is fake, the princesses never got their prince charming, that love doesn;t conquer all.

maybe it doesn't. Do I believe in love? of course I do.
I see it. i've seen it. i've felt it. but it wasn't so kind to me.

I'm so angry and quite frankly, i don't know if i'm mad at you or myself. maybe the circumstances, but we are in charge of those, so who can say.

you for pretending. me for hoping. being silly. losing time. i wish i could do it all over again. i would do a lot of things differntly. There are some mistakes i would make again, but others i would cut out. but i would have rewritten our story so that it ends, the right way. not like this. this is a cop out. if i was reading this story, i would say you cheated. the author cheated. nothing makes sense.

but i guess that's life.
you can't chose what parts of me you want.
it doesn't work that way.

I didn't stop at ten.

While I was at the gym yesterday, trying to get back into the routine of going, I was doing so well, I thought I was gonna die. Ten minutes into my run, I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, with sandbags on my ankles, in the dead of the Atlanta summer.

Despite the feeling of overall, general death, I kept going. I thought, I'll just run fifteen minutes instead of thirty. That's half of what I usually do, but something is better than nothing. and somehow I made it to fifteen minutes. Then I thought, well, what's five more? Twenty minutes is two thirds. That's cool. So I pumped up my Lady Gaga and dragged through an extra five minutes. And those five more minutes came and went. And somehow, I pushed through another ten minutes. I felt like I had been running for five hours, not just half, I looked like a melting beet, and I probably didn't exactly smell like flowers. But I didn't stop after ten minutes. Despite wanting to, and believe me I wanted to, Despite feeling like every part of my body was yelling at me to stop, and even though I felt like my lungs were tearing with every step I took, I kept going. I had the determination to continue.

Maybe my life isn't where I want it to be, and it sure as hell isn't where I thought it would be at twenty two. Even when feel like giving up, I don't. I dont know where or how, I muster up the strength but I push myself because life is a marathon not a sprint.

Salmos 37:5

Three years ago …

Three years ago on a night, much like tonight, we lost one of the strongest, bravest, most inspiring people I have ever known. It seems like it was all a foggy nightmare, a strange occurrence, happening in another time and place.

But it was very much reality. A moment which you try to forget, but cannot. A moment in which you wish you could stop time, and make sense of it. My grandmother always said that some people are too special to be on this earth for too long; too special to be away from God. We wish we could keep them with us forever, knowing that they'll be there to listen when we need to vent, wipe our tears when we need to cry, and lift our spirits when they are dampened.

Mommy Rufo, you will forever live in our memories & our hearts. Thank you for teaching me just how strong I can be. Thank you for showing me what strength & bravery means. I'm sorry to have lost you, but am thankful for every moment spent with you. Thank you, most of all, for raising the wonderful woman I have the privilege of calling my best friend.

Tonight, I dedicate this small & insignificant post to two very special women on my life; Zara & Nina Rufo. I cannot express what you two mean to me. I am blessed to have crossed your path, and I know that you will forever be watching over us. To my dearest Nina, thank you for letting me come along this strange journey with you. Know that your sorrows are mine, as your happines.

RIP Zara. You are gone, but not forgotten.

i have a new room

I have a new room.
it's acutally not so new, but new to me.

I like the newness of it. it keeps my hands and my mind occupied.
it gives me something to think about during the day, something to pass the time.
should i put the cuadro en la mesita? maybe all along the wall... string a few lights, paint this and that... it helps me think something is happening in my life. helps me forget that which should be forgotten. there i float. i wish i would sink. maybe then something would be happening.

i like to have something to think about. it keeps me from thinking about the important things. things that matter. that once mattered, and have now been pushed away. it stops me from thinking about how i got to where i am. and mostly it stops me from wondering where the real me went. the me with fire. drive. ambition. lust for life. i wonder where she went. i yearn for her return, knowing she may never. i mourn her loss and her death, every day. every day i live on, she dies more.

i tell myself it's not too late, though i fear it is. sometimes i see rays of her, slivers, moments, shreads. in those moments, i have hope. then she gets hurt, and hides again.

i'm keeping myself afloat. treading water, and sometimes i want to let go. treading water to tread.

i have a new room, and that keeps my hands busy.

to blog with anger.

I wish I could sit here and write something clever. I wish I could make a crack about something. But i can't. Partially, because i'm not that clever. but mostly because I'm not that mean. And it is perhaps this same... shall we say... "trait" that I often times find myself in these situations. Situations where despite everything I find myself at odds..with myself. I am by nature a prideful person, but somehow, in certain situations, when it's of no benefit to me, put my pride away, and end up hurt. Yes, it's true, my ailments are of my own choosing, and I should be used to it by now. But it doesn't really mean it get easier.

If you were here, I would tell you that I think you're mean. And that you hurt me. But maybe now I'll learn my lesson.
If you were here, I would call you a jerk, and tell you you don't deserve me. That I'm glad we're doing this face to face. Because I want you to see how angry I am. I would tell you that I hope you find someone that's going to treat you like I did!

If you were here.
If I really felt that way.

So I sit here, and blog angrily

Escuche tu nombre.

Escuche tu nombre hoy. Pensé que todo había quedado en el pasado.

Escuche tu nombre. Me callo como un mar de lagrimas saladas.
Los recuerdos me quedaron en el corazon quemados.

Justo cuando creía que ya mas no existías
Recordé de tu sonrisa, que mi mundo encendía.

Recordé de las cosas que tanto me herían
Las lagrimas que derrame cuando mi corazon rompías

Escuche tu nombre hoy. Me llene de memorias
Escuche tu nombre hoy.... Y también nuestra historia.

Don't talk to me like you know me!

Very recently, different people in my life assume that they know things about me. About my life. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Just because i look a certain way, dress a certain way, talk a certain way doesn't mean you know everything about me.

It actually means you know nothing about me. Get to know me and then make your judgements. I am a product of my environment, my family, me experiences, my education. my faith, or lackthere of. Don't look at me and think you know why I think thing are funny, why certain things are upset, and don't try to tell me that you know why i am the way I am.

Because, how can you know, if even I don't?