i have a new room

I have a new room.
it's acutally not so new, but new to me.

I like the newness of it. it keeps my hands and my mind occupied.
it gives me something to think about during the day, something to pass the time.
should i put the cuadro en la mesita? maybe all along the wall... string a few lights, paint this and that... it helps me think something is happening in my life. helps me forget that which should be forgotten. there i float. i wish i would sink. maybe then something would be happening.

i like to have something to think about. it keeps me from thinking about the important things. things that matter. that once mattered, and have now been pushed away. it stops me from thinking about how i got to where i am. and mostly it stops me from wondering where the real me went. the me with fire. drive. ambition. lust for life. i wonder where she went. i yearn for her return, knowing she may never. i mourn her loss and her death, every day. every day i live on, she dies more.

i tell myself it's not too late, though i fear it is. sometimes i see rays of her, slivers, moments, shreads. in those moments, i have hope. then she gets hurt, and hides again.

i'm keeping myself afloat. treading water, and sometimes i want to let go. treading water to tread.

i have a new room, and that keeps my hands busy.